Saturday, April 18, 2009

Live Out Loud


I am an artist... I am here to live out loud - Emile Zola


When do we stop holding ourselves back and just live out loud?

Yesterday, I went to Kroger to pick up a few things and stopped to check out the magazine aisle. I was flipping through a new magazine when I saw a feature article about an artist. Then the realization hit me. Our work is very similar but here's the "ah ha" moment... She put it out there and my work is displayed on shelves in my basement.

It's tough for me to take a chance and see what happens. Can we say anal retentive? When I'm working on a piece, I think it's great and then after I let it sit for a day or two, I look at it again and decide that it's total crap. The piece is then banished, never to be seen again. I pick it apart until, in my mind, it has no redeeming qualities at all.

A friend said that, on my blogs, I try to portray my life as perfect. Quite frankly, she found it boring and probably a bit nauseating. Point well taken. So I'm pulling up my big girl panties and letting you in on my real life. My life is not perfect. Sometimes it just sucks. However, I'm not able to wallow in my miseries. Quoting Chumbawumba, " I get knocked down, but I get up again". It's not that I try to put out the image of the perfect life, it's more about privacy and insecurity. Insecurity being the big challenge for me. It has plagued me for years but I'm getting better. I'm a work in progress and I'm still learning to just be myself and say, "If they don't like it, they can just sod off".

Last weekend, I met some friends from high school for drinks and in a matter of minutes, I went from 39 to 16. I felt uncomfortable and like I didn't belong there. The evening has replayed in my mind all week. "Did I say the right things? Was my outfit ok?" I'm like a dog with a bone and just can't let it go. It wasn't the company that I was keeping. They are a fun group. I was my problem not theirs. It put me in a funk all day on Sunday. I was pissed at myself. Why do I do that? Why do I think that I have nothing to contribute?

So it's been a week of big lessons and I think that I'm finally getting it. I've wasted enough time and opportunities. It's time to be a "Real Girl", put it out there and live out loud.
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